monagustafsonaffinito   CHATS AND RANTS — PSYCHOLOGY AND LIFE

My last entry was on the importance of control. This time I’d like to add a list of how to lose control. Not recommended, of course.

ASSUME YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER to your question or request, as in “It’s not worth bothering. They’ll just say ‘no’ anyway.” 

Maybe that’s true, but you can’t get what you want if you don’t try.

The point is that you’re in control if you’ve done all you can. You can’t control the other person’s response. Right now I’m aware of that as I send off query letters trying to turn my current manuscript into a published book. All the evidence leads me to expect no positive answers. I’m not famous. I don’t have a famous person or two ready to praise my book. I don’t have a record of high sales. But I do have the sense that I controlled the effort. And there’s certainly no chance of success if I don’t try.

GETTING CAUGHT IN A TRIANGLE:. Becoming the middleman/middle person

This happens to fixers who offer to help solve other people’s conflicts for them.  e.g., “I’ll try to get them to see your point of view” or e.g., I promise I won’t tell her you sent me, but I’ll try to get your mother to decide to move.” Or e.g. “I’ll try to get her to apologize to you,” or e.g. “I’ll try to get her to forgive you.”

Or cover story experts. “Sure, I’ll tell him you spent the day with us.”

Or favor doers. “Let me pick one out for you. I guarantee you’ll like it.” 

One can recognize a triangle by the sense of uncomfortable inappropriateness you feel. And who will get blamed if things go wrong? I have a friend who’s really good at recognizing potential triangles, but she isn’t available right now to come up with an example for me. Maybe you can in a response to this blog. 

HITTING “SEND” ON THAT EMAIL  without doing several things

Rereading to eliminate those incorrect autocorrect changes. (one of my favorite coasters reads, “Autocorrect has become my worst enema.”)

Thinking carefully about what you want to accomplish.

If you’re writing in anger, what do you hope the recipient will do? If he or she is hurt, is that what you really want? And how will you know? (Maybe a favor doer can find out for you — ?)

If you want a response, be sure you let the recipient know, and find a way for you to know, e.g. “If I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days I’ll follow up with a phone call.”

Of course, be sure that anyone else you mention approves of what you are doing in their name.  eg, “Even Mary feels that way about it.” Imagine what might happen with that triangle … !

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T TELL THE TRUTH: Not just an outright lie, maybe, but presenting yourself in an inauthentic way. Maybe that old, “This hurts me more than it does you,’ or 

“I’m so happy to do that for you,” when you’re really not. Or, ”That’s OK, What you said didn’t really bother me” – especially if your face has anger written all over it.

I could go on and on with this – kind of fun actually – but I hope you get the idea. And it would really make me happy if you’d add some of your own examples.

SO, PLEASE, HAVE AT IT! (Though I have no way of making that happen.)