The other day I had just hauled my right leg with its bone-on-bone knee into the front passenger seat of the car. The door itself was uncomfortably too far away from my reach to close it, so I was struggling as a pedestrian passing by smilingly and gently pushed it closer to my reach. That was a much-appreciated random act of kindness. And there were two things about that gesture that were kind. (1) He moved the door close enough so I could easily accomplish my goal. (2) He moved it just close enough so I could easily accomplish my goal.
And that’s the point I’d like to make here. Every time we offer help we are sending the message that help is needed. Sort of like the story of the boy scout who took an old lady’s arm and guided her across the street. Punch line – she didn’t want to cross the street. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but sometimes helping may be an insult – like giving clothing to a poorly dressed person who, from his or her point of view, was doing just fine.
It may have been ten years ago when I didn’t yet qualify as “old-old” that a dear, kind friend of mine took my arm to help me walk to our mutual goal. Maybe it’s the Swede in me, but I didn’t like it. I still don’t like it when someone implies that I can’t do it myself. But I love that friend and appreciated her generosity, so I told her I was okay on my own and promised that when the time came I would let her know I’d like help. These days I do ask, especially for stepping off a curb. Or if we need to make progress more rapidly than is possible at my unaided pace.
I’m trying to make a point beyond my own situation here. It’s just a warning to be careful. Sometimes helpfulness is intrusive. Remember, the unspoken message is “You need help.” Offering an arm is different from grabbing an arm. Holding a door open doesn’t carry a message of someone’s inferiority. Offering to help someone struggling carrying too many packages carries the message “I’ve been there, and I would have liked help.” But maybe that person sitting alone really is longing for company. Or maybe he’s just enjoying the verbal silence.
So, let’s do something kind, not only today but every time the opportunity presents itself. Just let’s be sure it’s kind.
Just sayin’
monagustafsonaffinito 