Archive for the ‘responsibility’ Tag

APPLIED PSYCHOLOGY – CONTROL   2 comments

I’m not a political scientist or a politician, but I am a voter, and I do know some stuff as a psychologist that can be of practical help in decision making on both the macro and the micro level, i.e. in making choices on both the social and the individual level. If you’d rather not put up with this intrusion you should, of course, feel free to ignore this posting. Or you can read and respond with hints on how I might do better.

Today I’m choosing to focus on “control.” In my opinion it’s absolutely the most basic issue for reducing stress and increasing health and happiness. For today it’s directed to people who enjoy at minimum a home with comfortable temperature, a stocked refrigerator, food preparation (or service) facilities, a comfortable and safe place to sleep, sufficient and attractive clothing, and a secure sense that there will continue to be enough money to support a comfortable lifestyle. Throw into the mix access to good health care and a generally secure environment and you have one of those “normals” they talk about. In other words, I’m talking about people like you and me keeping individual stress at a minimum by taking control. 

But now I wish I were so computer savvy that I could set off firecrackers as a warning that “control” is a really hot issue! I think of it as the ability to regulate, rule – oneself, because there’s really no way any of us can control another while there’s lots of ways we can admit them in to control us. I learned this in spades while studying and writing about “forgiveness.” Put simply, I learned that refusing to forgive an offender left them in charge of our lives. Just to “blame” and leave it at that leaves it up to the “blamed” to fix my life. What better example of losing control than to hang it on the actions of someone else?

Is it safe to say that taking responsibility puts me in a position to look at what I did and can do differently? It puts me in control. I find it works for me to do that with anger. Don’t get me wrong, I know when the other person (or situation) is wrong, but what’s causing me pain is my own anger. OK, so why can’t I let go of the anger? Am I angry with myself? What did I do to bring on the situation? Or what did I do or not do in response to it? Often I discover I was a wimp and start working on myself to find ways to respond differently the next time it happens. Or maybe I made the mistake of using the “you” word evoking a hurtful response from the person I offended. Wherever I go with it, I’m working on the one person I can control: myself. Sometimes I even conclude I can work at loving the offender. Maybe they’ll feel better, but mostly I will. 

I’m stopping here for now with the rule “The only person you or I can control is ourselves.”

(Sure, maybe hogtying or shooting or locking in a closet could control someone else, but I’m not capable, and I doubt it would really increase my own sense of control and happiness.)

p.s. I had a lovely Thanksgiving day at our North Shore retreat, thankful for all the personal blessings I’ve received right from the get-go. I hope you had much to be thankful for too.

Posted November 29, 2024 by Mona Gustafson Affinito in Uncategorized

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JUST LIKE MY FATHER   5 comments

My niece, the nurse, gave me permission to quote this.
 
“I would like to vent. I do sound just like my father and am glad for him that he need not deal with some of the stuff that is going on now. I’m having some problems adjusting to life as it is being lived now. For example:
     –  I believe that when you are talking on the phone in your home or at work, you are occupied. People who would like to talk with you should either wait or, at least, ask to be excused.  And, if you choose to respond to the interruptor other than to say, “I’ll be with you in a minute”, you are equally disrespectful.
     –  I believe that if you are interested in communicating with another living person, that is what you should be doing for the time it requires. I cannot be convinced that if you are reading texts on your phone and responding to them, you are really paying attention to me.
     –  I believe that working mothers – or fathers for that matter – need to be available to the family in the event of emergency.  Most work places have a telephone where emergency contacts can be made in the interest of family health and safety. If it is necessary to be on a cell phone with family throughout the work day, then it may be necessary to stay home, or to teach manners.
     –  I believe that television is an amazing invention and that all that has come of that with the introduction of cable is almost beyond comprehension.  And, I believe it can be turned off, that it should not be a significant part of the work day in the absence of national crises and that if it is on, that does not excuse one from relationships with people you are being paid to take care of.
     –  I believe that people who make the choice to work in the field of human services should actually have as the primary focus of their work day, the service of humans.
     –  I believe that if people have been hired to do a job they should do it. They should not spend any bulk of paid time arguing about why they shouldn’t have been expected to do it.
     –  I believe that groups of unrelated people from diverse backgrounds will  have problems dealing with coworkers at times. I can’t understand why those conflicts should so defy the expectations of the workplace or the needs of people served and yet be viewed as more important.
     –  I believe that unions have done much to improve the working conditions of many workers in positions with little control over their job sites.  I do not believe that unions excuse people from working at their positions with appropriate efforts to do the job expected or to use that membership to rationalize their way out of accepting the responsibilties of service.
     –  I believe computers have opened vast new worlds to us that we are only beginning to understand. And I believe that if your job requires providing care for people, computers are solely for the purpose of legally required documentation of said care. Accessing personal sites should be reserved for one’s off duty time and evidence that is being abused should be addressed.
      –  And, sadly for me in these times, I believe that if you aren’t doing your job and there can be clear evidence of that, you should not continue to be employed  to do your job.  There are some of us suckers who keep plodding on with the original goals intact, self-advocating for fair compensation, perhaps, but providing the service dependent people require.
I don’t think I am really finished.  But I must go to work now to make it possible for staff to meet their job requirements and to listen to all the things management and medicine are doing wrong. From where do people get their sense of pride these days?     N

Posted March 30, 2012 by Mona Gustafson Affinito in Uncategorized

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