Archive for the ‘self-control’ Tag
I’m not a political scientist or a politician, but I am a voter, and I do know some stuff as a psychologist that can be of practical help in decision making on both the macro and the micro level, i.e. in making choices on both the social and the individual level. If you’d rather not put up with this intrusion you should, of course, feel free to ignore this posting. Or you can read and respond with hints on how I might do better.
Today I’m choosing to focus on “control.” In my opinion it’s absolutely the most basic issue for reducing stress and increasing health and happiness. For today it’s directed to people who enjoy at minimum a home with comfortable temperature, a stocked refrigerator, food preparation (or service) facilities, a comfortable and safe place to sleep, sufficient and attractive clothing, and a secure sense that there will continue to be enough money to support a comfortable lifestyle. Throw into the mix access to good health care and a generally secure environment and you have one of those “normals” they talk about. In other words, I’m talking about people like you and me keeping individual stress at a minimum by taking control.
But now I wish I were so computer savvy that I could set off firecrackers as a warning that “control” is a really hot issue! I think of it as the ability to regulate, rule – oneself, because there’s really no way any of us can control another while there’s lots of ways we can admit them in to control us. I learned this in spades while studying and writing about “forgiveness.” Put simply, I learned that refusing to forgive an offender left them in charge of our lives. Just to “blame” and leave it at that leaves it up to the “blamed” to fix my life. What better example of losing control than to hang it on the actions of someone else?
Is it safe to say that taking responsibility puts me in a position to look at what I did and can do differently? It puts me in control. I find it works for me to do that with anger. Don’t get me wrong, I know when the other person (or situation) is wrong, but what’s causing me pain is my own anger. OK, so why can’t I let go of the anger? Am I angry with myself? What did I do to bring on the situation? Or what did I do or not do in response to it? Often I discover I was a wimp and start working on myself to find ways to respond differently the next time it happens. Or maybe I made the mistake of using the “you” word evoking a hurtful response from the person I offended. Wherever I go with it, I’m working on the one person I can control: myself. Sometimes I even conclude I can work at loving the offender. Maybe they’ll feel better, but mostly I will.
I’m stopping here for now with the rule “The only person you or I can control is ourselves.”
(Sure, maybe hogtying or shooting or locking in a closet could control someone else, but I’m not capable, and I doubt it would really increase my own sense of control and happiness.)
p.s. I had a lovely Thanksgiving day at our North Shore retreat, thankful for all the personal blessings I’ve received right from the get-go. I hope you had much to be thankful for too.
Inspired by a recent sermon, I’m working on developing a workshop on Reconciliation. Sermons can be inspiring, but the real question is how to do it.
What I mean by reconciliation in this context is the reestablishment of a peaceful, friendly, or even loving connection between parties in a relationship who have allowed unresolved hurt to fester into toxic anger.
To tell the truth, though, right now I’m wrapped up in lots of turning-of-the year stuff, so I’m postponing the specific points until I get home and settled in a few days.
Hint: reconciliation is virtually impossible if anger allows itself expression without a means of keeping the connection alive. In other words, ask what is the purpose of lashing out with rage. Has space been left for the object of the tirade to respond in a way that keeps the channels comfortably open? Or is there no choice but silence, or returned anger, or abject abasement?
In the meantime, this borrowed article seems like a sensitive preamble.
6 Mental Habits of People Who Manage Their Emotions Remarkably Well
When anger rises to the surface, they don’t react–they respond.
Anger is one powerful human emotion. It is also a very normal human emotion that needs to be expressed in a healthy way. But there’s a place and time for appropriate anger, and we all have to learn how to manage it before it escalates.
That takes emotional intelligence — the ability to exercise self-awareness to understand the situation from multiple angles and self-control to see things through other filters before pulling the anger-trigger.
When anger comes knocking, and it will, we have to know how to deal with it appropriately. If mismanaged, it can take down company morale and sabotage your ability to lead and collaborate well.
Here are six habits of people that manage theirs remarkably well.
1. They put boundaries on people who make them angry.
Having healthy boundaries means you’re assertive enough to confront and set limits on a particular person violating your physical or emotional boundaries. It’s saying to yourself, “I’m not going to allow this person to push my buttons, take advantage of this situation, or disrespect my authority,” and then following through on it.
2. They get to the bottom of why they’re really angry.
Emotionally intelligent people realize the reason for their anger may run deeper than what they’re experiencing on the surface. They probe, process, do a deep dive, and ask themselves, “What’s really beneath my anger?” By stepping back and looking at root causes, you’ll soon realize that your anger is really a reaction to whatever is disturbing you, usually something unresolved at the bottom of your pile — feelings of anxiety, worry, fear of failure, etc. These are the primary emotions you need to deal with as you contemplate how to make payroll when cash isn’t flowing. Anger is always the trigger and a secondary emotion. So what’s really bugging you? Get honest with yourself after some processing. Then tell yourself with brutal honesty, “The real reason I’m angry is … ”
3. They respond, they don’t react.
Chuck Swindoll once said, “The longer I live, the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.” Emotionally intelligent people have the advantage because they assess a situation, get perspective, listen without judgment, and hold back from reacting head on. It may mean making the decision to sit on a decision. By thinking over your situation rationally, without drama, you can arrive at other, more sane, conclusions. Here are three ways people with emotional intelligence respond when reaching the boiling point:
- They know when they’re being triggered and will walk away and come back when they’re in better space.
- They acknowledge their anger and proceed to talk to someone to get better perspective and understanding on the situation.
- They are self-aware enough to consider the potential consequences of having lost control of their emotions.
4. They take a six-second pause.
Why six seconds? The chemicals of emotion inside our brains and bodies usually last about six seconds. During a heated exchange, if we can pause for a short moment, the flood of chemicals being produced slows down. When you are frustrated or upset, before you say something harsh, this precious pause helps you to quickly assess the costs and benefits of that, and other, action. Applying this consequential thinking in the moment helps you to make more careful choices.
5. They are the first to reach out after an argument.
The tendency for so many of us is to let anger and resentment fester after an argument or misunderstanding, and then cut off the person from our lives until he or she reaches out to us with an apology. Sure, that’s convenient. But it’s also just plain dumb. A person with emotional intelligence doesn’t let her ego have its way at the expense of losing a friend. She’ll be the first to reach out to make amends, even if it means apologizing first. That humble and courageous act will do wonders for the relationship.
6. They shift to the positive.
Lets face it: After a heated exchange, anger doesn’t just disappear at the snap of a finger. If steam is still rising from your head hours after an argument, make a conscious and intentional effort to shift to the positive. Here are two things you can do:
- Have a gratitude meditation. Take out a piece of paper and spend two minutes making a list of all the things you’re grateful for in the last 24 hours. Positive psychologist Shaw Achor says if you do this simple exercise for 21 straight days, you’ll be training your brain to scan for positives instead of negatives. This activity is the fastest way to teach optimism and it will significantly improve your optimism even six months later.
- Practice empathy. Choose to look at someone who has wronged you in another light; imagine what challenging circumstances that person may be facing that caused his or her own angry reaction. In empathy, you understand someone else’s frustration, knowing in your mind that those emotions are every bit as real as your own. This uncanny ability to understand and share the feelings of another helps develop perspective and opens team members to helping one another.
PUBLISHED ON: APR 4, 2018
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I’ve been promising to present some “rules” of therapy – no charge. So here’s the first one. No doubt some can be applied in a broader sphere, like maybe government, war, and politics. But discussion here is limited to our personal/interpersonal lives. I call them shards, because I’m really just offering pieces that suggest something larger and more complete. And besides, they have sharp edges that require careful handling.
Rule #1: The only person you can control is you.
This is basic. It starts at the very beginning – the need to make life predictable – to get it under control. I could easily get lost here in a long review of Developmental and Social Psychology but I don’t feel like doing that. I’ll acknowledge that how we go about controlling is strongly influenced by the way we are raised. Here, though, I just want to point some ways we get it right, and some ways we stray. I’m hoping many of you will make comments about the how and the why based on your own experience and understanding.
Let’s consider a couple who seek therapy. You can place bets that it will start out with each one trying to change the other, mostly by telling the partner how he or she should be. No surprise, it doesn’t work.
Oh, maybe you can influence the way the other person acts. Browbeating, bribing, passive aggressive words and actions, financial control, violence – other forms of bullying or abuse. In that sense, I guess I’d have to admit that the other person can be controlled. Look a little deeper at the couple, however, and it’s clear those things aren’t getting what the controller really wants; confidence in the partners faithfulness or love or admiration or respect, or …
And the chances are good the restrained one would find a way to strike back, Or maybe become something less than what the controller was expecting.
What does often work is to change one’s own behavior to evoke a different reaction from the other. Basically, this is the object of mediation. Funny thing, though, that starts with changing oneself. Back to the rule. The only person you can control is yourself.
That kind of change requires honest listening. But it won’t work if the person you’ve been listening to is not honest. And here’s a really important point. You can’t be honest, or get honesty from your partner, if one or both of you is not being honest with yourself. Which brings us to another point.
Self Control
Yes, the goal is self-control. But not the way it’s often meant. Too many of us are raised to think that self-control means hiding or squelching our own feelings. That won’t work without either taking a toll on our bodies, or eventually coming out in uncontrolled anger, or tears, or depression, or something else I’ve missed.
The fact is, we can’t get enough control of ourselves to change if we aren’t willing to be honest with ourselves. To accept our own “Shadow.” But that’s rule #2, saved for the next posting.
The situation with couples makes for an easy example, but the rule applies everywhere. I hope you’ll use the “comments” section to add some examples based on your own experience.
But before we leave our unhappy but growing couple, here’s a question. Could it be that more arguments would help? The kind where each one is honest about feelings and opinions and listening to the other? (Even if they’d rather not admit it at the time.) And knowing that somehow they’ll have to do something about what they’re hearing if they really want things to change.
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See page 35 of “Figs & Pomegranates & Special Cheeses.” A conversation between Dara and her mother.
“Your father respects me – and us.
“I do not believe it. I hear him when he is arguing with you.
“Oh, but Dara, that is the point. We do argue. I know some mothers and fathers who do not argue, but I will tell you right now, the wives do not argue because they do not dare. … Your father and I argue because he holds me in high regard. Otherwise he would never listen to what I say, and I would never dare say it.”
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