monagustafsonaffinito   CHATS AND RANTS — PSYCHOLOGY AND LIFE

First of all let me say I am still enjoying this vacation from a busy, scheduled life. “My Father’s House” is in the hands of Calumet Publishing and there’s nothing I can do at the moment. That’s true too of Nick’s book which is in the hands of the guy who is helping me self- publish it. The poetry class is on hold, as is Pastor Aaron’s popular session once a week, and the limit in size requires signing up ahead of time for the morning exercise class. It was nicer when I could just decide if I wanted to go. So far the book club meeting is on as scheduled – in the café – sitting six feet apart and using a mike. There are movies, and old Carol Burnett performances, as well as Johnny Carson. I think Bingo is also still on, with six-foot distances maintained and a mike used to announce the numbers.

As for personal plans, Minnesota Orchestra, Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra, and the Guthrie performances are all cancelled for now, as are church events. I guess the funeral for a member I knew was held on Monday, but I changed my plans about going – hard to maintain a distance of six feet. Needless to say Doug and I expect our May cruise will be cancelled.

The furniture in the public areas has all been rearranged so occupants are six feet apart. It does make the theater seem cozier – soft chairs not in a line but scattered sort of like a living room.

The dining room is no longer crowded — or even occupied at all — as meals are delivered directly to the apartment door. No entry by staff into the apartment itself.

The latter fact means there is no housekeeping service. Unfortunately I have no vacuum cleaner. But then, dust seems reluctant to enter my bright and sunny southeast oriented three- room apartment (or four if you count the bathroom – maybe even five if you include the laundry room.) So far so good.

We are, of course, free to wander and sit around in the public areas, but it’s surprising how few people seem to be there. Not like the groups that used to gather for happy hour on Thursday afternoons. Apparently many of the residents are choosing to shelter in their own place – except for a daily trip to the mailbox.

We are not prisoners, though as of today we have been requested not to leave except for medical reasons. Quite reasonably we are asked to stop at the concierge desk for a temperature check and questionnaire response when we return.

The staff is working well beyond their official job descriptions, including, as one might expect, constant disinfecting of public areas. Those of us who use the exercise equipment have been expected – ever since the beginning of flu season—to wipe things down after we use them.

On Saturday Doug delivered some groceries from Trader Joe’s, and on Sunday he delivered something from Lisa.  He gets to leave deliveries in the vestibule. We wave to each other and I pick it up from the vestibule after he leaves. That’s become standard practice for lots of people.

On Friday at the exercise class, Lori, our activities director, arranged so the grandsons of one of the participants could join us via the web, and on Sunday afternoon it was fun watching the grandchildren of another resident writing chalk messages on the sidewalk. The daughter of one of my friends carefully wiped down her delivery of wine before leaving it in the vestibule for her mother.

As for buying groceries, the staff has offered a list of places that deliver. That includes “Seth’s Snacks,” a business set up early on in which a local young entrepreneur takes orders, fills then at Cub Foods, and delivers them. Originally he delivered them to the separate apartments. Now he leaves them in the atrium and the staff distributes them. The Waters is paying his delivery fees for the duration.

Oh yes, The Concierge desk had large tables placed around it assuring no one creeps past the six foot limit to converse with her.

And then there are the weekly flowers from Trader Joe’s – still healthy but taken off their sales floor. That’s been going on since I moved in (over a year ago). Added to that were plants from Bachman’s delivered after a (cancelled?) flower show. Plus the cancelled roses ordered from Rotary that were donated for our pleasure – the influence of one of our active Rotary members.

I guess that’s enough to give you a picture. O yes, I attended a Zoom BYOB party the other night with some friends. And Lori will be giving instructions on how to play games with friends and family on our cell phones. She also has a contest going where we can solve puzzles provided and winners will be drawn for grab bag prizes. She never ceases to come up with creative ideas.

Life is very good at the Excelsior Waters. I am very fortunate. Of course, if you know me, you know I am hurting for all those who are living in terrible situations right now. I’m hoping we’ll find a way that we here as a group can do something to help – with money contributions maybe.

We are living in interesting times – as did the family in My Father’s House. The meaning and effects of the events in that story are clearer in retrospect. I’m pushing the envelope if I think I’ll be around long enough to see what this period was all about, but who knows …

If you are on Facebook. look for the Waters of Excelsior. You might even find photos of me.

I’d really like to be ranting about the disastrous failure to provide health workers with the protections and treatment materials they need in dealing with COVID-19. I can’t help remembering how quickly things got rolling when WWII hit us… how the whole country swung into action with energetic leadership from the top.

But sometimes it feels good to retreat to the remembered “old days,” which are probably distorted in my memory anyway.

Or maybe I’d like to talk about the full body laugh I enjoyed all by myself yesterday watching some old Carol Burnett performances.

But there is something reassuring about “the old days.” So here’s another outtake from “My Father’s House.”

Carl and Jennie drove to Hartford to pick out a fur coat.

 “We hope to find a nice one for well under $100.00” Carl told the furrier who studied Jennie a bit. “A nice little lady. We don’t want anything too heavy,” he said as he draped a golden brown muskrat on the carpet.

 It would be hard to tell who was more excited. What they could tell was the furrier’s expertise. Just because it was such a huge expenditure they insisted on trying several coats, but they ended up with the first one he had shown them. And the price was well under $100.00.

 “I’ll adjust the sleeve length,” he said. It will be ready in a week.

 “Will there be enough cut off to make a hat?” Jennie asked.

 “I’ll see that you have enough,” he responded.

Yesterday we who live at The Waters received notice that meals would from now on — until the end of COVID-19’s rule over our lives –be delivered directly to our apartments. It was also St. Patrick’s day. So I decided to celebrate our last supper in the dining room with a shot of aquavit and my hallowe’en hat.

However you are sheltering in place, or whatever, enjoy the opportunity. We live in interesting and life-changing times. I just want to be around long enough to understand what’s really going on. (Not likely) I know whatever it is, it’s as significant as the Industrial Revolution.

Let’s keep each other company on the journey. Skol

This is long, but worth reading in this time of stress and tension that precedes, I am sure, an ultimate era of peace and renewal. For the original of the article, click on “Greater good.”

HOW TO KEEP THE GREATER GOOD IN MIND DURING THE CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK.

In the midst of our panic around COVID-19, we must look to each other to help us get through it.

BY JILL SUTTIE | MARCH 10, 2020

I just learned that my son’s college, the University of Washington, would becancelling all in-person classes and finals to help contain the spread of the coronavirus. One confirmed on-campus case prompted the university’s response.

Though the university will incur high costs—they have to deep-clean the whole campus, for example—I, for one, am truly grateful for their swift action and putting students first. It’s one of the many ways that I feel cared for in the midst of this crisis, and one of many caring acts that I expect to see in the weeks ahead.

Why expect more cooperation and compassion in the face of an epidemic? Because, contrary to popular belief, crises often tend to bring out the best in people. A report that looked at how people responded during the September 11th Twin Tower attacks showed that people bent over backwards to help others escape, sometimes at great personal risk to themselves. Other reports on the aftermath of natural disasters show that strangers will stick out their necks for each other to help.

While it’s true that sometimes disasters can lead to a minority taking advantage of the situation—for example, stealing people’s possessions when they have to leave their house—this is not a common response, much as it grabs headlines. Instead, when we face a common enemy, like an epidemic, we are more likely to pull together for the benefit of everyone.

Notice how many young and healthy people are taking seriously the need to wash their hands frequently, cover their mouths when they cough, stay home when sick, or wear masks when in public. Sure, no one wants to get sick—but, at the same time, no one wants to be responsible for making others sick.

In fact, research shows that protecting others is a huge motivator for doing the right thing. For example, one study looked at what prompts handwashing behavior in hospital doctors and nurses. Researchers found that signs saying, “Hand hygiene prevents patients from catching diseases,” were more effective at prompting handwashing than signs simply saying, “Hand hygiene prevents you from catching diseases.” In other words, appealing to the health care workers’ altruistic care for their patients was more effective than appealing to their self-interest.

In fact, it may simply be human nature to be kind and helpful when others need us. In one recent study, children only four to five years old who were told that resisting a treat would benefit another child were better able to delay gratification than children told their actions would only affect themselves. Similarly, babies as young as 19 months old were willing to give food away to someone who appeared to need it, even when hungry themselves.

Of course, not everyone acts altruistically in these situations. So, what makes it more likely they will, and how can we use that to our advantage? Here are four ways we can encourage more altruism for fighting the virus.

1. Look to the heroes

There will always be heroic efforts in a disaster—people who sacrifice themselves for the good of others. Think of the health care workers who are treating people infected with this virus at great personal risk. Or those infected with the virus who voluntarily isolate themselves for weeks to protect the public.

When we hear stories of these people, we feel what is called moral elevation—a warm feeling inside that inspires us, fueling optimism and a desire to act altruistically ourselves. While the temptation might be to focus on fear and everything going wrong, we can redirect our attention to those who are doing the right thing, which will lead us to be better citizens ourselves.

2. Stay calm and focused

It’s easy to be lost in fear when disaster strikes. However, it doesn’t help anyone to stir up panic about the situation, because we don’t think as clearly when we are in emergency mode. You can see how this has played out already, as people have been stockpiling masks and creating a shortage that could affect the people who truly need them—those who are sick and need masks to avoid spreading the disease to the rest of us.

Body Scan Meditation

Feeling tense? Feel your body relax as you try this practice

Try It Now

How can we stay calmer and make wiser choices? One way is to use whatever tools you have at your disposal for keeping a cool head—like practicing mindfulness, which has been shown to both lessen emotional reactivity and help us make better decisions. We might take a walk in the park or nearby woods and let nature soothe us. Or we could talk to a friend—a calm friend, that is—who can help us reduce our anxiety.

Of course, our normal ways of connecting socially—like singing together at a concert or going to large parties—may have to change. But whatever we can do to maintain an air of calm, and to spread it to those around us, the better. After all, our emotions tend to be contagious in our social circles, and we should do our best to keep fear and panic contained.

3. Show gratitude

One of the kindest things we can do is to say “thank you” to those who are doing what they can to fight the outbreak. As with my son’s university, it doesn’t hurt to send a message of thanks to people and organizations that are doing the right thing—whether it’s a tour group that offers refunds for cancelled trips, the neighbor who delivers a spare mask to you, or viral experts who give you straight-up information on how to stay safe.

When we show gratitude toward others, we let them know that their actions matter, which encourages more of the same kind of behavior—not only toward the grateful person but to others. Creating a cycle of altruism is helpful when we are faced with a challenge that affects us all, helping to foster trust in each other and care for each other’s plight.

4. Remember our common humanity and show compassion

When we are fearful, our first instinct might be to cast blame on others or to indulge in prejudice toward groups we see as responsible. News reports already show that some people of Asian descent in the United States are finding themselves shunned or the victims of racist profiling, simply because the virus appears to have originated in China. Though we might rationally know that no one person or country can be blamed for a viral outbreak, our minds still seek simple explanations.

Research suggests that when we recognize our common humanity and show compassion, we are more likely to pull together and to solve issues that may be complex in nature. You can start by giving yourself some compassion, which can helpyou become more willing to admit mistakes and take steps to correct them. This is important, as human error can be costly when there is a viral outbreak, and we need to work together to learn from our mistakes.

Of course, all of these guidelines don’t supplant the importance of practicing good hygiene. We need to continue to frequently wash our hands and avoid touching our faces, so that we can lessen the chance of infecting ourselves and others. But we also should remember our social hygiene—looking for the heroes, staying calm ourselves, being grateful, and remembering our common humanity. In this way, we can help to make the world safer for all of us.