Just back from a fabulous Smithsonian trip to Egypt, I’m way behind, of course, in almost everything that needs doing. I’m not even ready yet to post the photo of me standing by a camel. No, forget it, I’m not brave enough to ride one.
Anyway, this link leads to a long article, but you may find it helpful. I especially recommend the material at the end on forgiveness. In fact, I wish it would lead you to my books on forgiveness. But, no matter what, I hope you have the time to enjoy it.
I have really enjoyed seeing sales of “Figs & Pomegranates & Special Cheeses” increase as I’ve shared some reviews, but I had promised to get rolling on the issue of forgiveness. So here’s my first entry. It ties directly back to promises I made when my web site was established some time ago.
First, let me say that I personally don’t like posts that are too long. I find myself anxious to get back to writing “My Father’s House,” so I’ll assume that it’s a good idea to keep my own posts short. That means what I say is going to be imperfect. I hope that in itself will encourage arguments, examples, and other comments.
So, here goes.
I loved Lewis Smedes “Forgive and Forget,” but I hated the title. I was told later by someone who knew him personally that he didn’t like it either. Publishers have a way of imposing things on authors. Why not like it? Because it’s basically impossible, certainly unrealistic, to think you can forget the offense you’ve suffered.
Try to shove the offense out of your mind? Well, to put it maybe too simply, but realistically, you’ll be pushing it into your body to create all the possible negative effects of stress. Like a viral or bacterial infection it will grow without control.
The truth is, you can work on relieving the terrible aftermath of suffering an offense, but you won’t forget it. What will happen with good forgiveness work is you’ll lose the emotional pain and protect your body.
Forgiveness usually takes hard work over time. Why would you want to forget the benefits of that herculean effort and all you learned from it?
If I can tear myself away from my other writing, I’ll soon be sharing the forgiveness process as presented in “Forgiving One Page at a Time.”
By the way, I loved Smedes’ later book, “The Art of Forgiving”
I grieved as if I had known him personally when he died.
Many years ago now, my friend and colleague Barbara McEwen, a physiological psychologist, made me aware that I didn’t fully understand the meaning of “The Survival of the Fittest.” Like so many people, I thought it meant that the winners were the ones who managed to beat the competition and pass on their genetic material. Barb pointed out that cooperation is every bit as important as competition, evoking my reaction of “Of course, why didn’t I know that,”
Sadly, Barb is no longer with us to see the influence of people like her. But, fortunately, scientists are now exploring the implications of humanity’s cooperative side, with an emphasis on human goodness. Right now I’m reading a collection of articles by scientists who are exploring this side of humanity. They don’t deny what we can’t avoid seeing — the competitive side of our heritage. But it’s not the only side. (In fact, right now it seems to me that’s the major battle going on politically and throughout the world: selfish competition vs. compassionate cooperation.}
The book to which I am referring is edited by Dacher Keltner and Jason Marsh,”The Compassionate Instinct: The Science of Human Goodness.”It’s a selection of articles from the magazine “The Greater Good.” It’s one of three magazine I need in my life to offer the positives over the noise and stress of today’s communications.
I’m not going to review the book here, or try to summarize the kinds of things that have been studied. I just want to mention two of them: gratitude and forgiveness.
As for gratitude, I’d like, ironically, to start a competition. Who can provide the longest list of things for which one is grateful.
As for forgiveness, I’m going to break down and summarize, bit by bit, the content of my own “Forgiving One Page at a Time.”
So be prepared, I’m about to start compiling my own gratitude list and share the numbers, not necessarily the content.
Forgiveness will be next.
Tell me, does that sound like a good plan?
I’m delighted to kick off a series at Auburn Homes and Services here in Chaska at 6:00 p.m on Thursday, April 14. It will be a challenge to do something useful with such a complex topic as forgiveness in such a small amount of time, but I think I’ll provide something worthwhile. And providers can collect CEUs by attending these offerings.
I’d love to see you there.
In past years I’ve managed to do something relatively elaborate to wish my friends a happy holiday. This year not so much, but my joy in your friendship is none-the-less nurturing, exciting and powerful.
As I think you know, my big event of the year was turning my lovely little Acura RSX into a flattened pile of metal and stuff that looked in the end like an aluminum can crushed under foot in preparation for the recycling bin. That was on April 15, when I was on my way home looking forward to two unscheduled days to dig into some of my ongoing projects.
Most of those projects are still active in my head, but I’m way behind in carrying them out. I did get to follow through on plans to take part in a forum on forgiveness at the Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian Church on April 28. With the help of my son who got my computer to me at Auburn Manor where I was rehabbing, I was able to create handouts illustrating my new approach to presenting forgiveness issues, emphasizing that justice and mercy are two sides of the same coin. Auburn manor made it easy for me to work within the recovery schedule, and some very generous folks from the church managed to get me there and back to present from a wheelchair. Quite dramatic, really.
One of my projects now is to write about my crash, what I’ve learned from it, and the impact it’s had on my life. I have started working on it, discovering that I have to go back to check records to remind me where I was when. Memory, never a simple file folder in the brain, is more vague than I thought it would be. But you will probably be exposed to it eventually.
Work also proceeds on “My Father’s House.” Right now it’s mostly doing research about Bristol, Connecticut and life and times around 1910. Totally stalled, however, is the creation of questions for groups to use in discussing “Figs and Pomegranates and Special Cheeses.” I’m hopeful they will eventually encourage more adoption of “Figs … . “ Then there’s my blog, and my facebook page, so badly ignored as they fall to the bottom of the priorities list.
I’ve been out of the three-month sentence to the torso brace since July 17. Whew! What a relief. But regaining my energy is still an ongoing process, along with getting accustomed to my shorter stature after losing two inches to my L1 compression fracture. And what a shock when I realized how it had changed my body structure! Yes, I worked hard at keeping good posture, but my clothes needed a lot of adjusting. The local tailor was wonderful at working around the brace to alter clothes to fit for our July 28 departure on a planned three-week cruise to the Shetland Islands, Iceland, and Norway.
The flight on the way over did hurt. I walked the aisles a lot, but three weeks of rest, walking, and fun worked wonders. The trip home was very comfortable. I still need to lie on my back occasionally when pain starts to build up – especially after working at my computer, and walking is amazingly helpful. But my chiropractor/nutritionist tells me things will keep on getting better. Certainly I have no basis for complaining when I think of what might have happened if my Acura, its seat belts, and air bags hadn’t taken such good, protective care of me.
I loved all the places we visited on the cruise. I intended to share a few photos on my blog, but I haven’t made it past the point of beginning to learn how to post movies. Just beginning to learn how – still haven’t done it.
As for photos, I haven’t yet downloaded the few I took on our restful and fun four-night Thanksgiving stay at Cove Point in Beavers Falls, outside Duluth. Because then, of course, came the preparation for Christmas. I am no longer responsible for “creating” the celebration, but, given my propensity to purchase gifts through the year while traveling, it does fall to me to wrap them all and get them to their destinations.
All these words just to explain why I haven’t been writing on my blog and facebook! And I thought I was going to write just a brief paragraph.
Finally,to the point. Two points, actually. (1) Rejoice! The winter solstice arrives in a few hours and we will begin to have more daylight. (2) Rejoice! Things may be pretty awful, but we always have this annual time to at least imagine what love and peace will look like when we decide to practice them. Oh, and (3) Thank you for enriching my life with the creative things you do in the blogosphere.
I doubt anyone has noticed, but it’s been a long time since I’ve posted to my blog – just too busy trying to do other things. But I have faithfully kept track of the friends I “follow.”
Today is different. I feel a moral obligation to respond to the lie that was told last evening on the latest episode of “Bluebloods.”
If you don’t know the show, I’ll tell you about it. First, though, I want to explain that I was watching it because it’s one of the fictional shows I enjoy at 9:00 p.m. Central Time. I try very hard to be ready to relax by that time so I can lose the day’s stress watching make-believe. I like the show. I like the characters – a good-looking bunch of folks.
It’s the story of a wealthy Irish Catholic family that basically controls an error-free, noble, always just, New York Police Department. It’s clear they are wealthy, because at the end of almost every episode they all gather around a large table in their attractive dining room in their large house for an ample meal accompanied by wine. (The children in the family don’t have wine glasses in front of them.)
At the head of the table is the police commissioner, or his father, the retired commissioner. The rest all serve in one way or another – detective, officer, prosecutor. The children all plan to follow the noble path when they grow up. Often there are political problems with the Mayor who has a bad habit of thinking first of re-election. In between there are the kinds of things one expects to happen in a cop show.
There are some interesting things I tend to mull about when I watch it. For some reason that seems to have nothing to do with the drama, the writers killed off the mother and the grandmother before the show even began – and an older brother who died in the line of duty. (Hm. Sort of makes me think of the Kennedy family.)
Alcohol seems to play a major role. Not only is there the wine at dinner. (Let me be clear, I like wine at dinner.) But there is also the ever handy bottle of bourbon, or whatever it is they drink, when there is a problem to discuss – at home or at the office – and a glass poured at the end of the day to relax. There’s no obvious threat of alcoholism, but I often wonder what was the writer’s purpose in introducing it.
I’m quite sure the writer’s have a political point of view different from mine. On a few occasions they have spoken disparagingly, almost sneeringly, about the ACLU. Not anything long, just sort of a giggly hope that no one they know would be “that” kind of lawyer. No problem. I suspect it even fits the plot line. Lots of people in their line of work don’t especially like the American Civil Liberties Union. As a matter of fact, if my memory serves me correctly, the first President Bush bragged about tearing up his ACLU membership card.
I personally have been a member of the ACLU since I traveled to Germany (among other places in Europe) shortly after WWII. The rubble was still all around. Yes, I’m that old. The thing is, I met so many wonderful people – good people who had let the holocaust happen. I remember one of our student guides saying, “It will come to your country someday.” I learned what I think is an important lesson. It’s true: Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty. Hence, the ACLU membership.
But that’s not why I’m furious. They have every right to make their opinions known. No, I’m furious because they basically lied, and misinformed, in an area which is extremely important in the current atmosphere of violence, cruelty, and vengeance.
For no apparent dramatic reason, last night they introduced the concept of “restorative practices,” sneeringly suggesting it might be OK for High School students to apologize for things they do, but …
OK, so the lie. They completely misrepresented the process, thereby distorting the purpose. The subplot starts when a young woman who is about to be married receives a letter from a man in jail – the person who years before had killed her mother, father, and brother apparently in a home invasion. He would like the young woman to meet with him in jail. WRONG! That is not the way a restorative justice interaction begins. Unless something has changed a lot very recently, the perpetrator is not allowed to harass the victim. No, restorative justice began for the relief of the victim, not the criminal. It’s the reason why, for example, victims now have the opportunity to testify before the sentencing. It would have to be the victim who initiated the meeting.
The next WRONG!. When the young woman wants to do it, in spite of the Commissioner’s advise, he insists he is going with her. Here’s where things get to be a big lie. As it’s presented, they just make a date and go to the prison. Once there, she and the killer and a woman — apparently some kind of social worker – meet over a table in a private room. The “social worker” person yields easily to the Commissioners insistence that he will stay, and is ready to end it all if he detects that the prisoner is hurting the woman in any way. THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE.
There would be no such meeting without a long process of preparation – often as much as a year or more– being sure both parties want the meeting and are prepared for it.
Rather than presenting a restorative practice interaction as the serious, important, and productive process it is, they made it look like an amateurish, thoughtless, activity.
Finally, the Commissioner encourages her to maintain her vengeful attitude. She has every right to do that. As one who cares a lot about forgiveness, I’m the first to say that forgiveness coerced is not forgiveness at all. The sad thing, though, is the next day she gets married still harboring the hate. WRONG! Forgiveness is not a gift to the killer. It is a gift to oneself, proved many times over to be important for one’s physical and mental health. She has now begun her married life carrying the hatred and all its potential damage with her.
The fact is, restorative practice is a very practical response to crime. A highly developed legal process in several countries, and less widely in the U.S,, it has been demonstrated to reduce recidivism significantly. To say nothing of the fact that people, both victims and criminals, are rehabilitated. The process saves money and saves lives and the quality of life.
I’m furious with “Bluebloods” because the misinformation is presented for no apparent reason except to degrade an important development in judicial process. I guess it continues to be more important to enjoy the satisfaction of inflicting retributive pain than to work at solving problems.
I’ll keep watching the program. Along with CSI and NCIS and their variants, it is one of my favorites. I know the blood is fake, the gun ammo are blanks, and the actors will get up off the floor.
I’ll also keep doing what little I can to encourage restorative practices rather than pleasure in vengeance that leads to no productive end.
In juggling lots of things, I don’t want to stray from the central importance of forgiveness. So I’m suggesting that you consider the following question I’ve raised on the “forgiveness” page of my web site. I picked up these two stories at different times on TV. The issue to ponder is which, if either, qualifies as a story of forgiveness.
First story:
When: The day after their sons were killed in an accident caused by a person driving under the influence.
What: Asked if they could ever forgive the driver, the answer was “We forgive him because our religion tells us to.”
Second story:
When: A few days after the school shooting in Connecticut in which their six-year-old daughter died.
What: Asked if they could ever forgive the shooter, the reply was, “Forgiveness hasn’t even entered our thoughts. We can’t take time to focus on the killer. We have to help ourselves and our other children grieve and try to keep on with our lives.”
I’d love to hear your thoughts here as a comment on this blog, or on my Facebook page, 4giveLetGrow, or as a comment on the “forgiveness” page of my web site.
I’ll post my take on it on my web site sometime during the next few days.
If I’ve read the numbers right, 990 free copies of Figs & Pomegranates & Special Cheeses were given away during the three days they were available. As was my wish, a goodly number went to countries outside the USA.
I hope readers are enjoying Dara and Job and their friends and family. It will be really nice if even a few of that number were to let me know how they feel about the book, through comments on amazon.com, or blogs, or whatever.
Yes, It’s been a while since I posted anything here. I’ve been busy doing a bunch of stuff: taking a course on copyediting, enjoying my daughter’s visit, working on My Father’s House, teaching a course on forgiveness, pulling income tax information together, and lots of other odds and ends.
But I never fail to keep track of my blogging friends. Thanks to all of you.
The pre-holiday season has been unbelievably busy. The best I was able to do with blogging was to follow and comment on what others had to say.
Now I’m doing something that feels like a bit of a risk, but considering how I have enjoyed reading about other people’s activities and family, I’ve decided to post what was my Christmas letter to friends.
And I do expect to be back on a more regular basis now that I’m getting 2015 under control.
Warning: This letter is long
“This season of the year reminds me why I moved to Minnesota – so much beautiful choral music with a heavy emphasis on Scandinavia. Minnesota Public Radio’s classical station fills my days with Christmas in the background and the remembered presence of my Swedish family at what was an annual celebration of Christmas joy – family, church, presents. I was so blessed. (It didn’t hurt that I was the youngest.)
This season started on December 4 with the St. Olaf Christmas festival –500 student singers and orchestra joined by an audience of 3000. There are some five different choral groups who begin the evening processing in after an orchestral introduction to initiate an evening of familiar and lovely Christmas choral works. Even the audience gets involved with standing and singing a couple of familiar carols. (I was amazed the first year I attended the festival. Everyone in the audience faithfully follows the direction of the leader, even with perfect accuracy abiding by the directions “women only,” “men only,” “choir only, and “all.” My son reminded me that probably everyone in the audience is, or once was, a member of a church choir.)
This year, as we left the festival, I commented to Doug that my mother and father enjoyed it, but my brother was especially pleased – that delighted look lit up his face. No, I wasn’t hallucinating, but I did feel their presence. I mean I really felt their presence.
And so it continued. “A Christmas Carol: The Musical” was delightfully presented on December 7 by a local group. The talent here is amazing. All the Brandenburg Concertos were the program for the Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra on the 11th but my Gustafson Christmases came back most powerfully at the Vocal Essence concert on the 13th. If only my brother were still here, he’d be able to tell me the name of the traditional Swedish song with which the huge singing group approached the stage after the intermission. My son remembered it and how he and his sister made up their own interpretation of the Swedish words – something to do with pizza. (Yes, they are half Italian.)
Indeed, I enjoyed a few nostalgic tears. And then I delighted in the performance of Christmas carols and related stories on December 14 by the Minnetonka Choral Society of which Doug is a part. It has been quite an advent season.
Beyond that, what can I tell you about the year 2014 as I lived it? Well, for starters, I’ve adopted a new mental health rule – pay attention to the news – ‘cause so much of it is disturbing – from 6:00 a.m. ‘til noon, and then avoid as much as possible. All for the sake of uninterrupted sleep. Sleep has also been helped by the nutrition program I’m in – the same program than got my hypothyroid back to normal without meds.
Also, to paraphrase The Paul Simon song, “Still singing after all these years.” I’m one-eighth of the choir at Shepherd of the Hill Presbyterian Church in Chaska, and enjoyed the role of Sister Margaretta in “The Sound of Music” at Mount Calvary Lutheran Church in Excelsior in February-March. And still sporadically taking singing lessons.
Traveling? Yes, “Still traveling after all these years.” A two week cruise to Alaska in June-July. Truth is, I’ve been so busy since that I still haven’t put together my slide-show of that trip.
Other things? Yes, still seeing some clients. Would like to see more, but I refuse to have anything to do with managed care. About writing, I’ve become part of a writer’s group that meets about once a month. And in August “Figs & Pomegranates & Special Cheeses” hit the market as a paperback and on Kindle. It was a real pleasure working with the cover artist, Marilyn Brown, and the graphic artist, Jenny Janson. Now I’m busy trying to market it. Reviews available on amazon.com http://amzn.com/0692257888
There must be some reason why I’m still too busy to do the Alaska thing. Maybe it’s working on “My Father’s House,” the fictionalized biography of my father. This is a really tough job, trying to get as much as possible of family history, and then the social and world history that influenced his life. Plus, it’s just plain hard to fictionalize a biography. I’m still not sure I can do it.
Any other excuses for not getting the Alaska thing done? Doing my part working with the web designer to create www.forgivenessoptions.com is a task almost finished. It should be available soon.
Now I’m also preparing for a four-session series leading a study of forgiveness at Mt. Calvary in January.
For those who want to know about my family. Doug travels constantly, for fun, for creativity (building musical instruments), for photography, for representation on a number of boards. In the meantime, he serves as Council President at Mount Calvary, and set designer and director for theater 318. Most recently directed “Lost in Yonkers.” And designed the set for The Sound of Music” and now for upcoming “Fiddler on the Roof.” Oh yes, he is retired.
My Lisa and her husband are living temporarily in Colorado Springs, Colorado where Jan has accepted a three-year assignment with Lockheed Martin as he moves toward retirement. Lisa has gained in so many ways from the practice of Yoga which is helping her survive those three displaced years. Traveling also helps. She’s studied at John C. Campbell, and comes to Minnesota to oversee the painting of Doug’s sets. They make a great team.
My granddaughter KJ is currently in New Zealand, leaving soon for Australia, and my grandson, Erik, is at work in Philadelphia.(Update – she is now in Australia as of January 1st)
I intended to keep this short. I just hope you were smart enough to stop reading when you got bored.
And to the whole purpose of this letter – to express the longing for a world at peace, and for comfort and joy in your corner of the world.
monagustafsonaffinito 