Archive for the ‘Grief’ Tag
One thing I acknowledge about myself is that I’m an empath who shares misery– even loses sleep about — the mistreatment of others. And these days my heart is aching. Can you imagine how it feels when your body is at war with itself? I can only try, but I can witness the relief when someone’s dysphoria yields to a decision to acknowledge it. And the joy when others accept it and one can be oneself. Can you imagine how it is to enjoy supportive treatment? And how heartbreaking to have it withdrawn – for no good reason?
So much talk about protecting women and children, especially in bathrooms. What is it with us Americans and bathrooms? What is the fantasy? That some guy may go to the trouble to disguise himself as a woman so he can watch a bunch of women scream when he exposes himself? Or maybe dysphoria is contagious? Or maybe some woman will go to the trouble of dressing like a man so she can shock a bunch of guys by exposing herself in the Men’s Room? (It does sound a little ridiculous, doesn’t it?) Of course, the solution to that fear is pretty easy – one-seaters. On our return from a cruise a year or so ago we had some time to kill. I chose to wait in a large, old church ‘cause I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to just relax into a pew. But first, as is my wont, I visited the restrooms. I loved the signs on the one-seater facilities: “Rest for all bodies.” What more is needed?
Or is dysphoria a sign that maybe life isn’t as dichotomously simple as we once thought it was. “there’s a right way and a wrong way to be” as one person I know was fond of saying, and, of course, the speaker knew the “right” way.
Or what does dysphoria have to do with whether someone does a good job, whether in or out of the military. Does discovering that someone is trans suddenly reveal poor work behavior?
What possible justification could there be for causing misery for someone by withdrawing treatment, or firing from a job, or just plain hating them? C’mon, now. What possible reason could there be for a man, in this patriarchal world, to “choose” to be a woman. – just for the fun of it? Why devote time and energy to blame someone for not being the person you think they ought to be. Isn’t it enough just maintaining control over oneself?
Oh forget it! My words can’t convey the grief I’ve seen, and the joy I’ve observed when someone became truly themselves with the physical treatment to support it. I’m just ranting, and I hurt, because observing cruelty – for cruelty’s sake – makes me almost literally sick. Really. What skin is it off anyone else’s nose whether someone uses “him” or “her” or something in between?
The other day I had just hauled my right leg with its bone-on-bone knee into the front passenger seat of the car. The door itself was uncomfortably too far away from my reach to close it, so I was struggling as a pedestrian passing by smilingly and gently pushed it closer to my reach. That was a much-appreciated random act of kindness. And there were two things about that gesture that were kind. (1) He moved the door close enough so I could easily accomplish my goal. (2) He moved it just close enough so I could easily accomplish my goal.
And that’s the point I’d like to make here. Every time we offer help we are sending the message that help is needed. Sort of like the story of the boy scout who took an old lady’s arm and guided her across the street. Punch line – she didn’t want to cross the street. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but sometimes helping may be an insult – like giving clothing to a poorly dressed person who, from his or her point of view, was doing just fine.
It may have been ten years ago when I didn’t yet qualify as “old-old” that a dear, kind friend of mine took my arm to help me walk to our mutual goal. Maybe it’s the Swede in me, but I didn’t like it. I still don’t like it when someone implies that I can’t do it myself. But I love that friend and appreciated her generosity, so I told her I was okay on my own and promised that when the time came I would let her know I’d like help. These days I do ask, especially for stepping off a curb. Or if we need to make progress more rapidly than is possible at my unaided pace.
I’m trying to make a point beyond my own situation here. It’s just a warning to be careful. Sometimes helpfulness is intrusive. Remember, the unspoken message is “You need help.” Offering an arm is different from grabbing an arm. Holding a door open doesn’t carry a message of someone’s inferiority. Offering to help someone struggling carrying too many packages carries the message “I’ve been there, and I would have liked help.” But maybe that person sitting alone really is longing for company. Or maybe he’s just enjoying the verbal silence.
So, let’s do something kind, not only today but every time the opportunity presents itself. Just let’s be sure it’s kind.
Just sayin’
By definition, banning abortion is condemning a potential person to a life of being unwanted. The reasons are as varied as the individual situation. Poverty, genetic predispositions, lack of a nurturing growth environment post birth, a poor uterine environment for any number of reasons, or other reasons why the birth mother (and/or the father) isn’t able to raise the infant to adulthood. I’m sorry to say this, but if there were really concern for a good life, there’d be all kinds of movement going on now from the “pro-lifers” to make childhood care available to everyone, to provide sufficient financial guarantees to carry that person through a healthy lifetime of need for nurturance, housing, health care, education, attention through thick and thin. Instead there are efforts to cut back on aid programs. Those who push for government control of birthing seem to be the same ones who argue for removal of aid. What is the real motive?
I had an interesting brief discussion recently with a person claiming a “pro-life” position. I understood him to say something like, “Yes, I understand it can be hard for the mother, but I’m more concerned for the child.” The funny thing is, that’s my main concern too – care for the child. What kind of life will that unwanted child have? I know, you’re going to tell me there’s always adoption. No, there isn’t always adoption. How many potentially adoptive parents are willing to take on a lifetime of caring for a badly limited infant who will require care for a lifetime? How many understand that the baby is not a blank slate? The newborn has not been removed from an empty box . There has been a nine-month relationship with a primary caretaker. Do you think it’s just nothing to be removed from that place without lifelong grief? Or maybe even that first uterine “home” wasn’t so great to begin with for reasons of maternal health, or even the stress of the situation. Or maybe the grief is even stronger because the birth mother has provided a loving relationship even more stressful to leave. A baby brings along a whole slew of characteristics that may or may not fit well with a secondary environment – a foster or adoptive home — no matter how loving, even if there were enough available.
I’ve just hit the tip of the iceberg here. Whole libraries have been written to help understand human development. What will be the effect of this “pro-life” movement ten, twenty, thirty, etc. years from now on our national need for health care, control of violence, creativity … ?
It’s a bit ironic, isn’t it, that the Chinese who enforced the one-child edict are now in need of more people. Where will we be as a result of our similarly communist-like control of birthing?
I do believe that most pro-life folks feel theirs is the loving position. I also believe they have all the right they need to preach pro-life as a choice, including the pro-loving moral obligation to back it up with real support, beyond just supplying a layette. The opposite of “pro-llife” is not “abortion.” The opposite of “pro life” is freedom of choice, religion, moral belief, and understanding of the personal situation.
I know. I’ve been off my blog for a long time now. Too many other things take priority. But I’ve just got to get this off my chest.
Our current U.S. administration is knowingly establishing a policy that’s guaranteed to cause mental health problems of the basically untreatable kind. It’s a policy no less damaging than would be deliberately exposing folks to e-coli, or similar toxins.
The latest declared intention – even action – to separate children from their parents as they arrive at our borders fails to recognize how essential constant relationships are to healthy development. Deliberate separation is a policy designed to cause adjustment disorder, including, among other things, poor social conscience – might I say sociopathy? At least interference with intellectual ability.
Possibly one can provide healthy nutrition, warmth, and even kindness, though even that deserves questioning. But it’s no substitute for the constant parental/child connection. And it’s no alleviation for the grief being imposed on both parents and children.
And then there are the reports of “lost track of” children. Where are they? How are they being protected from predators?
This separation policy is not just mean and cruel. It’s not just tragic in the intentional destruction of a human soul. It’s going to be very expensive for someone down the road.
Where are the protests against using children to fight the war?
I’m delighted to kick off a series at Auburn Homes and Services here in Chaska at 6:00 p.m on Thursday, April 14. It will be a challenge to do something useful with such a complex topic as forgiveness in such a small amount of time, but I think I’ll provide something worthwhile. And providers can collect CEUs by attending these offerings.
I’d love to see you there.
monagustafsonaffinito 