Archive for the ‘recovery’ Tag
REACTING TO A DEPRESSING DEBATE
I wrote the following in response to a friend’s reply to yesterday’s blog entry. Having put time and effort into it, I thought I might as well post it here where more people might see it. “Yes, the debate was awful, and I was about to jump on the dump Biden wagon when two things happened. (1) A friend sent me a link to Lawrence O’Donnell on “The Last Word,” for June 28th. Indeed, an important pick-me-up. But more important I recognized that awful feeling of heaviness in the chest and remembered experiencing it a couple of times when I was teaching, and even also when I was doing private therapy. That awareness that I’d been a total flop –and deserved to flop. But then, after the initial “poor me” — “I was a failure; I’ve always been a failure; and I’ll always be a failure,” — and the appreciation of my husband’s futile efforts to say something encouraging, I decided to learn from it. And by my next lecture (or session) I was ready with a “brilliant” save. I’m encouraged to think that may happen by the next debate, and in between. I just wish I could be there when Biden practices for the next one, I would suggest he never respond to Trump. Listen attentively, then ignore, and answer the next question asked by the mediators. Maybe he could spike it occasionally with “I didn’t really understand your answer, but … ” before giving that good answer to highlight what he’s already accomplished and how he’ll move on.
But then, why would they listen to me?
It has taken time to let go of the symbols of care from the days following my April 15, 2015 accident. About a month ago I finally deposited my brace into recycling – the brace from which I was set free on July 17th. I’m not too sure why I kept it hanging around so long. Maybe a symbol of my survival of the accident? Maybe fear that I might need it again? Certainly that would be irrational, given that I’d need to be refitted if I were to create another situation where I needed it. Maybe a symbol of the care I received? Maybe a sign that I was ready to move past identifying myself as an accident survivor? Maybe something else I can’t recognize because I’m too close to the situation?
So now, about the walker. When I came home from rehab at the beginning of June to continue my recovery I had a walker on each of the three levels of my townhome. There were only a few days that I needed them to get around, but it was a long time before I folded up two of them – one to return to the church from which it had been borrowed, and the other to contribute to “His House” charity. The third one has remained in my master (mistress?) bathroom until this morning. I’ve been using it to continue the exercises they taught me in rehab. Truth be told, however, all I really need is a doorjamb to hold while doing them. There’s just something about not parting with those symbols.
I think it’s really a declaration of independence. Maybe today I’ll dig in more deeply to the writing I’ve been planning to transfer from my head to my laptop. One thing I want to finish up is the story of what I experienced and learned as an accident victim/causer. My plan is to present it here in short segments – so it won’t be so boring. And maybe I won’t need that long restorative nap every day.
Funny how the things I was so anxious to leave behind apparently became the last rails to hang on to before dropping back to normalcy — a new normal.
monagustafsonaffinito 