Archive for the ‘therapy’ Tag


One big truth behind caring about the use of “I” or “You” is the question of responsibility. For a simple example, the difference between “Did you understand me?” and “Did I make sense?” is the attribution of responsibility.

And attribution is a wiggly thing. When I stumble, I look for the crack in the sidewalk that I can blame. When you stumble I may look for the crack, or I may wonder what you did to cause you to stumble? We see the same action differently when it’s “you” doing it rather than “me.”

Some of us are really good at depression, so we may be quick to blame ourselves for things that we really had no control over. We may even be quick to blame ourselves for things that happen to other people.

But more generally, the tendency is to find an outside responsibility – luck, or other people, for example — for unpleasant things that happen to ourselves and claim our own responsibility – competence, for example –for good things that happen. With others, quite the other way, we aren’t so quick to see that bad luck caused the problem for the others, but rather we look for the fault in them.

It’s really handy to do things like blame the working poor for their own poverty rather than to recognize the social/economic truths at work. It’s equally handy to look at our own success and pat ourselves on the back for the good work we’ve done rather than appreciate the social/economic gifts we’ve been given.

This is tough business, but if the goal is to save therapy expense, or even just to like ourselves better, it’s a good idea to look at the rationality of our attributions. Problems don’t get solved until our attributions become more accurate.

So now, when it comes to selling my books, it’s not that I’m poor at marketing, it’s your fault for not buying them.

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